Get Comfortable with ADHD

May 7, 2008 · Filed Under ADHD

“Life consists of achieving Good, not apart from Evil, but in spite of it,” says the psychologist Rollo May. There is no such thing as pure good in human affairs. Those who claim it are seriously deluded and will likely be the next perpetrators of evil …

Actually, humans are essentially limited. Not one of us has, or can ever have, unlimited power. The unlimited power that many modern gurus offer is false hope. Their programs calling us to unlimited power have made them rich, not us. they touch our false selves and tap our toxic shame. We humans are finite, “perfectly imperfect”. Limitation is our essential nature. Grave problems result from refusing to accept our limits.

John Bradshaw. Healing the Shame that Binds You (Revised Edition). 2005.

Something that I’ve noticed that is quite consistent with adders is a bit of an obsession with PERFECTIONISM. Maybe you’re hyper-focused on something and you want to try “just one more time”, or just make “one more adjustment”, because after all, you just want to “get it right.” And the hours pass, and the days pass, and you never quite finish, but you get behind on all sorts of other stuff. There’s tons of information out there to help with this. Some of it very helpful, but in my opinion, a little too much like the GURUS OF UNLIMITED POWER.

Perhaps the most common thread among adults with adhd that I have found is the underlying assumption that “something just isn’t right.” I’ve talked about my feeling this way in a number of my posts. Usually I talk about it from the perspective of being relieved by the diagnosis, as in a EUREKA moment that opened my eyes to understanding why I’m a little different than “others”. But I’ve been thinking …

Yeah, I know, it hurt.

I believe perfectionism rears its ugly head in a much deeper way. All of our desperate needs to get it “just right” are nothing more than symptoms of expecting ourselves to be perfect in an imperfect world. As adders, we’re the one’s who went to church and asked the questions we weren’t supposed to ask. We’re the one’s who always wanted to try alternate solutions to problems. And of course, we couldn’t always sit perfectly still and act “proper”.

Our parents, teachers, pastors and priests would scold us for our “bad behavior”. They’d tell us how to act, what to do, and exactly what represented good vs. evil. We were good kids, never got into genuine trouble, but somehow were relegated to being the “misbehaved”, the “unmotivated”, the “bad seeds” supposedly wasting our lives away.

Thank God there’s enough adders out there strong enough not to listen to that tripe! At least they have been guided by their parents or other adult mentors who saw in their difference a blessing, instead of a curse. What would the world look like today if Ludwig van Beethoven, Thomas Edison, and Albert Einstein thought, acted, and did things in just the “proper way”?

Albert Einstein’s attire was always a mess, he refused to “dress properly” and didn’t like to wear socks. He smoked a pipe like a chimney, couldn’t spell, and had a lousy memory. Thomas Edison didn’t learn to talk until almost 4 years old. At age 7, his persistent questioning, hyperactivity and slightly unusual personality got him kicked out of school as the teachers told his parents he had an “addled” brain and couldn’t learn. Beethoven struggled in his interpersonal affairs. He is known to have always chased unattainable women (he never married). Beethoven fought often (and in public) with his family and others, and had a general distaste for authority.

Sound like anyone you know?

The “problem” of having adhd is not in our being different (a DISORDER!), the problem lies in our (sometimes) inability to get done what we desire - paralysis! We can be too impatient (anxious), too eager (anxious again), or caught in endless loops of ideas … and these can get us caught in a dead end. Trapped. But with better knowledge of our limits (imperfections), and sometimes the aid of our medications, we can soar to the heights of eagles.

Growing up feeling that there’s just “something wrong with me” has caused many of us to crawl inside, hide ourselves away, and present to the world what we believe they’re after - our FALSE SELF. As adults, our false selves (ego) have grown so dominant that we struggle to figure out who we really are - our daimon, our soul. Nobody liked us we thought. We must be imperfect - no, we must be - we are, flawed.

Our parents and teachers and pastors and priests all did their best, with nothing but good intentions on their mind. They taught us what they knew. And as adders, we acted with what we knew. We either really stood out, or chose to “duck and cover”. This article is about those who took the “duck and cover” route, and learned to do their best to “get along” and “fit in” and “keep everyone happy”.

PERFECT doesn’t exist in the realm of being human. Imperfection is our essence. As an adult, you can let go of the arbitrary rules and regulations of the family, the church, and your friends. To attempt to be “perfect”, is to attempt to be other than human - dead - in a spiritual, intellectual, and physical way. Focus your thoughts on your “differences”. Let them out of the bag … and SHOW THE WORLD!

Just be the best YOU, you can be.

And I bet the barriers you have between others will melt, the BIG LIST of projects will get accomplished, and the anxieties will be a thing of the past. This is the approach I’m taking. I’ll let you know how it goes.

PS - I’ll probably re-edit this a couple times tonight or tomorrow. I’d like to make sure I’m getting my message across (so check back in), and I want to get it just right, you know … PERFECT!

Just kidding. JUST KIDDING!